Doctor: What brings you in today?
Husband: My wife is sick, and I’m not sure what else to do for her.
Doctor: Where is your wife?
Husband: She’s at home. I’m her primary caregiver since she’s a quadriplegic as well as a mute.
Doctor: So, she can’t move on her own, nor can she speak?
Husband: That’s right. So it didn’t make sense to bring her in. I’m sure there are some pills you can send me home with that will help her.
Doctor: What exactly are her symptoms?
Husband: Where to start? Well, she’s feverish and really lethargic. Her skin is dry and cracking. Her nose bleeds regularly and her eyes seem really cloudy. Oh, and her teeth are turning black as well.
Doctor: Oh god, this does not sound good. Why don’t you tell me how you care for her so I can better understand what we can do to help her? Start by telling me what she eats.
Husband: I know she needs three balanced meals a day, so I buy cases of Slimfast Diet Shakes, and I give her one of those for each meal.
Doctor: All she gets is Slimfast?
Husband: The can says they’re complete meal replacements and it’s cheaper than fast food. Doc, caring for her is so much work, I had to quit my job. So now I’m relying on her to support us both.
Doctor: How can she possibly be supporting you both?
Husband: Well, I cut her hair off and sold it for a good price to a wig maker. But that was only a one time payment. So, I sell her blood once a week to a local blood bank.
Doctor: Part of her challenge might be the frequent blood draws. Let’s see… how is her mental state? Does she seem to be in good spirits?
Husband: I put her in front of the TV all day, but she doesn’t seem interested. Oh, she had a dog that she loved — a beautiful yellow labrador — always by her side. But doc, the dog was always getting in my way. It was expensive to buy it food. And it was just another thing I had to take care of. So, I had the dog killed and a buddy of mine stuffed it. I put it next to her chair or across the room so she can always look at it and enjoy it. But doc, I’m the one who needs more stimulation.
Doctor: How so?
Husband: I’m stuck at home all day taking care of her. Do you know how boring that is? For a while, I just occupied myself by fucking her, at least once a day, sometimes twice. But then she got pregnant.
Doctor: She’s pregnant?!?
Husband: Not anymore. She grew that baby and pushed it right out. Pretty incredible really. It wasn’t born looking like she did — it had two legs but no arms. I found a sweet family in town, just desperate for a baby, even one with no arms. They gave me a huge check in exchange for the child. That’s when I figured out how she could really support us both.
Doctor: I’m afraid to ask…
Husband: I found on the internet that breast milk commands a pretty penny on the black market. So my neighbor gave me her old breast pump and I used it to milk her several times a day. She’s a great producer, plenty of milk. I’d bottle it up and sell it. As long as I kept milking her, she kept producing. We kept it up for several years. But then I found something that commands even more money — her eggs! They give me drugs to shoot into her ass cheek every day. Every other month or so they spread her wide and take that egg to some woman somewhere paying a fortune to carry her own baby. Her eggs are making me so much money, that I just bought myself a new car. Doc, you gotta give me something to get her healthy, so I can keep selling her eggs.
Doctor: Sir, I’ve been writing down everything you told me today. I am a mandatory reporter, and I am calling the police to have you arrested for abuse. After hearing what you’ve told me, I’m shocked your wife is still alive and I fear that all the medical intervention in the world is not going to be able to bring her back to health. You have taken advantage of a person who cannot speak for herself or run away from this terror. You have tried to turn a human into a cash machine and you were stupid enough to take more than she could give.
You raped, pillaged, starved, took, abandoned, abused, and wasted a human life, all for your own benefit. You sir, are a mirror image of what humanity is doing to Mother Earth. My diagnosis for both is grim.
Written by Silky